Voldemort's Lament II
by PurifiedDrinkingWater
Summary: Sequal to "Voldemort's Lament", Voldemort seeks help elsewhere in this thrilling five-year-old humor-esque tale of two shop clerks.


Cashiers are always the best at condolence, or so I'm told. They are great listeners, seeing as they are trapped there until their shift ends, or until you run out of things to buy. That's why Voldemort sat there chatting up the cashier at the pet store.

"You know, I've always had a thing for snakes, and people call me odd for it." Voldemort expressed with a sigh. The teenage boy behind the desk just began ringing up the items on the table in front of him. He had long, dark oily hair that reminded Voldemort of Snape. Maybe the little bugger actually did know what was in vogue with the modern world.

"I like snakes." He said, as he rang up the dog bed Voldemort planned on using as Nagini's new bed. He looked up through his heavy eyeliner, and then looked back down. Muggles were really creepy… Voldemort thought.

"I own a very large one." Voldemort tried to show off to this muggle, but then he realized he must keep his dignity, he was seven hundred times better than this fart face. "In a matter of fact, I killed somebody to get it!" He ended with a flourish.

"Dude, even I haven't done anything that bad and I'm on probation. You must have got, like, lots of time." He stopped in the middle of ringing up a parrot Voldemort had planned on feeding to his snake.

"Time?"

"Yeah, like, in prison." He added, as if Voldemort was dumb or something.

"Azkaban could never hold me. I'm too powerful!"

"Azkaban? Is that some kind of loony joint?" That hurt. Voldemort knew what feelings were, he had his fair share of them whenever Harry declined his tea parties and brunches. Then again, most people did, it just hurt more with Harry because Voldemort felt like he had practically raised Harry. He had made him who he was today, Voldemort was the whole reason Harry Freakin' Potter _was _Harry Freakin' Potter. Voldemort could have attacked that Longbottom kid, but he voted against it, so he could see the child get made fun of all through Hogwarts for a name like _Longbottom._

"Sir, that was completely inappropriate. That hurt my feelings." Voldemort said sincerely.

"Hey, hurry up, I've got a life, Mister!" Said the beleaguering customer who had filed in line behind Voldemort. He turned around to stare at the man in line behind him.

"Harry? What are you doing here?" Voldemort asked, when he realized who the costumer was.

"Getting some owl food for Hedwig… But now I'm not sure if I should be here. Why are you wearing muggle clothes?" Harry asked, Voldemort made a mental note to kill that owl in the seventh book. It was really weird seeing Harry outside of Hogwarts, like seeing your teacher at the supermarket, or when someone you know for a really long time starts wearing a cowboy hat. Voldemort looked down at his apparel. Jeans, a black t-shirt with a brown suit jacket over the top and a clip on bowtie holding it all together. He had even tacked this cool pair of glasses that came with a mustache and a nose on his face.

The cashier looked between the two of them nervously, as if maybe this was an awkward ex-relationship run in.

"Oh, how terribly rude of me!" Voldemort started, when he noticed his cashier friends expression. "Harry, this is…" Voldemort leaned in to read his name tag, "Robert, my cashier, and maybe in the future, your cashier. Robert the Cashier, this is Harry Potter, my arch nemesis. I tried to kill him when he was two and I often time find myself trying to posses his very being!" Voldemort gave Harry a little pinch on the cheek. "I would try to do it right now, but you know the rules!"

"No magic outside of Hogwarts." Harry confirmed. Robert the Cashier moved his hand slowly to the phone, before he ducked under the counter and made a call. Harry and Voldemort just looked at each other and leaned over the counter to see the man on the phone.

"Yes, police, I have a confirmed murderer and a loony." A pause. "Yes, he said he broke out of Azkaban. I assume it's some kind of Asylum?" Another pause.

"We better get out of here unless we want to be in trouble with the Ministry," Harry whispered to Voldemort. Harry disapparated and Voldemort followed, but not before saying his favorite two words to Robert.

"Avada Kadavera!"


End file.
